Whoa.
Finally got my butt out to see Matrix Reloaded. I went in with low expectations, just looking for an entertaining action movie like the first one. I thought The Matrix was fun, with some good fight choreography and some innovative special effects. Reloaded was, unfortunately, not fun, well choreographed or innovative in it's effects. If you haven't seen it, I will probably spoil it for you so don't read any further. If you liked it and don't want to disagree with me, don't read any further. If you don't like me taking issues with things I obviously don't understand, too friggin' bad.
Dick and Jane ask: Where to begin? How about the 40 minutes of pointless crap that starts the movie? Zion is under immediate threat, and here are all the people that will save it. Here's the guy with the furrowed brow who may be shagging Morpheus' ex (it's only implied through brow furrowing, and stares we can't see because everyone wears sunglasses underground). He isn't a believer, and he thinks his shit don't stink. Here's the new pilot, who made a promise to his brother-in-law that he would take his place. Here's Morpheus' ex, with her lack of character development. See Morpheus play John the Baptist: "Everyone! Shake Your Rump!" See Neo sweat on Trinity while everyone dances, and women's nipples are hard and cold and covered in gauze.
Dick and Jane say: Enter the Matrix. See Neo have a kung fu fight just like his training fights with Morpheus from the first movie. See Neo talk hoodoo mystical shit with the Oracle on a park bench. See Agent Smith. He's Hugo Weaving and he can act. Neo, can you act? Watch Agent Smith make clones of himself to jump on Neo. Neo and Agent Smith are so obviously CGI characters. How can you tell? In the fight sequence Neo shows acting ability. See Neo fly like superman. Jesus couldn't fly, only walk on water. Neo is the badass messiah.
Now the plot must advance to the next action sequence, where shit get's nasty, yo. Neo fights some guys with the weapons conveniently in the house. Neo wins. He's the messiah. Two blonde dreadlocked twins who can make themselves immaterial chase Trinity, Morpheus and the Keymaker. This highway bruhaha is supposed to be filled with tension and jaw-dropping effects. It's a lot like the tractor-trailer/motorcycle sequence in Terminator 2, only with two blonde twins who can make themselves immaterial. Did I say that before? Sorry, that's all the character development they get before they get blown up. Neo flies in like superman and saves the day. He's the messiah. Like a flying Jesus with kung fu grip.
Some more tensionless plot ensues. Neo meets the Architect. The Architect tells Neo he's an anomaly, and functions as a reset button for the Matrix program. All Neo's thoughts are acted out on videoscreens that make up the walls of the room. Neo gives the Architect the finger in his mind. Bad anomaly! Neo decides not to push the reset, and the Architect says Neo's choice will make everyone die. Neo just want's to save his woman. Fuck all y'all.
Dick and Jane and the pilot are amazed at Neo's flying ability. It is badass messiah fast. Neo is too late and Trinity dies. Neo is the messiah. Neo reaches into the code that is Trinity and massages her heart. She lives and they snog, the passionless snog only the messiah can give. Neo is in the real world and his powers now work there too. Neo is in a coma and the movie ends. Dick and Jane scratch their heads.
Look, It really is that bad. The Zion material could have been summed up by a radio broadcast to their ship, "Zion will be destroyed in 72 hours unless you can stop it. Speak to the Oracle and find the Source." I just cut an hour out of the film in two sentences. The fight sequences are just more; not better, or different, just more. Q: Why fight one Agent when you can fight 30? A: Why fight them at all if you can just fly away? Q: Wouldn't slow motion bullets be better if there are more than three? A: I guess not.
At the end of the first movie, Neo can unravel Agents and rewrite the Matrix on the fly. Agent Smith tells him he's different now, so apparently Neo doesn't try to unravel him. Or any other character in the movie. He can reach into Trinity and change her code, raise the dead and everything. But he must kung fu fight every loser program in the movie. I guess all that superman flying made him forget he can control the whole thing. Couldn't he just rewrite the code and teleport wherever he wants to go? Why fly, when instantaneous travel is literally at your fingertips? Neo is one dumb messiah.
Agh! What a mess. What a waste of time. Why didn't I go see Daddy Day Care instead?
Dick and Jane ask: Where to begin? How about the 40 minutes of pointless crap that starts the movie? Zion is under immediate threat, and here are all the people that will save it. Here's the guy with the furrowed brow who may be shagging Morpheus' ex (it's only implied through brow furrowing, and stares we can't see because everyone wears sunglasses underground). He isn't a believer, and he thinks his shit don't stink. Here's the new pilot, who made a promise to his brother-in-law that he would take his place. Here's Morpheus' ex, with her lack of character development. See Morpheus play John the Baptist: "Everyone! Shake Your Rump!" See Neo sweat on Trinity while everyone dances, and women's nipples are hard and cold and covered in gauze.
Dick and Jane say: Enter the Matrix. See Neo have a kung fu fight just like his training fights with Morpheus from the first movie. See Neo talk hoodoo mystical shit with the Oracle on a park bench. See Agent Smith. He's Hugo Weaving and he can act. Neo, can you act? Watch Agent Smith make clones of himself to jump on Neo. Neo and Agent Smith are so obviously CGI characters. How can you tell? In the fight sequence Neo shows acting ability. See Neo fly like superman. Jesus couldn't fly, only walk on water. Neo is the badass messiah.
Now the plot must advance to the next action sequence, where shit get's nasty, yo. Neo fights some guys with the weapons conveniently in the house. Neo wins. He's the messiah. Two blonde dreadlocked twins who can make themselves immaterial chase Trinity, Morpheus and the Keymaker. This highway bruhaha is supposed to be filled with tension and jaw-dropping effects. It's a lot like the tractor-trailer/motorcycle sequence in Terminator 2, only with two blonde twins who can make themselves immaterial. Did I say that before? Sorry, that's all the character development they get before they get blown up. Neo flies in like superman and saves the day. He's the messiah. Like a flying Jesus with kung fu grip.
Some more tensionless plot ensues. Neo meets the Architect. The Architect tells Neo he's an anomaly, and functions as a reset button for the Matrix program. All Neo's thoughts are acted out on videoscreens that make up the walls of the room. Neo gives the Architect the finger in his mind. Bad anomaly! Neo decides not to push the reset, and the Architect says Neo's choice will make everyone die. Neo just want's to save his woman. Fuck all y'all.
Dick and Jane and the pilot are amazed at Neo's flying ability. It is badass messiah fast. Neo is too late and Trinity dies. Neo is the messiah. Neo reaches into the code that is Trinity and massages her heart. She lives and they snog, the passionless snog only the messiah can give. Neo is in the real world and his powers now work there too. Neo is in a coma and the movie ends. Dick and Jane scratch their heads.
Look, It really is that bad. The Zion material could have been summed up by a radio broadcast to their ship, "Zion will be destroyed in 72 hours unless you can stop it. Speak to the Oracle and find the Source." I just cut an hour out of the film in two sentences. The fight sequences are just more; not better, or different, just more. Q: Why fight one Agent when you can fight 30? A: Why fight them at all if you can just fly away? Q: Wouldn't slow motion bullets be better if there are more than three? A: I guess not.
At the end of the first movie, Neo can unravel Agents and rewrite the Matrix on the fly. Agent Smith tells him he's different now, so apparently Neo doesn't try to unravel him. Or any other character in the movie. He can reach into Trinity and change her code, raise the dead and everything. But he must kung fu fight every loser program in the movie. I guess all that superman flying made him forget he can control the whole thing. Couldn't he just rewrite the code and teleport wherever he wants to go? Why fly, when instantaneous travel is literally at your fingertips? Neo is one dumb messiah.
Agh! What a mess. What a waste of time. Why didn't I go see Daddy Day Care instead?
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