AWOL POTUS’ POS SOTU
Introduction
As I speak, the violent are getting justice, whether they are unjust or just, deserving or not, for they are undeniably violent; and by acting thusly we, as Americans, are a safer people throughout the world, thanks to our men and women in uniform.
Our borders are secure; secure with the knowledge we have gleaned about our own people through means legal and means yet unchallenged in the court of law. The good citizens and now recently legitimized illegal aliens have nothing to fear, excepting the fear engendered by my policies and practices and color-coded alerts. The nasty, evil, vile and despicable citizens and illegitimate illegal aliens shall also feel this aforementioned fear, as well as other abstract fears justified by their possible thoughts and actions.
It is this fear, suspicion and violence that clutches at America’s heart, stymieing her economic growth, limiting her ability to care for naught but her wealthy, causing untold hardship for her young and her elderly. The only way for us to rise above this calamitous situation is by doing all we can to enable the best of us, the captains of industry, to operate freely and unhindered. These shining lights of corporate responsibility will lead those of us most deserving through the haze and destitution to a bright future astride the world.
War on Terror
To many of you, there is a hope that in the two years after the tragedies of September 11th we have put the worst behind us. To those Americans, optimists one and all, I am here to tell you it is a false hope; a hope born from the belief that as your President I would find a way to stem the tide of terrorism, to counter the hatred and fear of Americans felt throughout the World; a hope that I would make you safe. This belief is like a false god that has led you all astray. It is not yet within my power to turn this tide – only if you allow me to continue the work I’ve started with the Patriot Act, with wrongful imprisonment and “enemy combatant” categorization of American citizens, with willful disregard of international laws and institutions – only then will my government begin to take the first meager steps towards confronting and quelling the rising terrorist waters that threaten to drown us all.
In Afghanistan, some people were caught, some niggling progress has been made; but really, other issues arose and I’ve lost interest in these poor and uncooperative people who can’t offer my friends and I anything of consequence. Please pay no attention to the fact that I have yet to fulfill the one promise I made to the American people that would make a difference: I have yet to get Osama bin Laden, dead or alive.
Iraq
In an unrelated action - one which only last year I incorrectly and incoherently connected to the ongoing War on Terror we are intermittently waging - we are finding in Iraq not weapons of mass destruction, as I led you all to believe, but a political nightmare of guerrilla insurgency coupled with mewling cries for “Democracy”. The ingratitude of these people, liberated from a tyranny long supported by the West, I find personally repellent. One man whose word was law once ruled them; no one, and no law now rule them. This newfound freedom is scorned by those who would have us leave them to their own devices. To these people I say only this: America will not be told what to do by a small band of thugs, killers and hypocrites who ignore the rules of law and who would dare to operate outside their boundaries, hoping and conniving to seize power for themselves.
The success of operations in Iraq has changed the face of the world. No longer do international scofflaws flaunt their deviant and illicit behavior like painted queens and nancy boys, or strut like leather-clad lotharios, bragging of missiles and powerful “biological agents”. No, those days are past. Former bad boys like Moammar Gadhafi are changing their ways and being straight with the international community. We hope that this same, firm, hand will help loosen things up and enable us to penetrate the uranium programs of the North Koreans. The crisis there will only end when Kim Jong Il stops rebuffing our advances and acquiesces with full, naked, capitulation. When we are finished, there will be a large opening in North Korea.
Some of you, for some strange reason, do not agree with my so-called War on Terror. Some do not believe in my faith-based intelligence programs, or my firm belief that God removed all weapons of mass destruction from Iraq in order to ease our victory. Some of you question my decision to ignore international law in my personal jihad against the man I now call my bitch, Saddam Hussein. I answer you thusly: you can never know the strength of something until it is torn down and utterly destroyed. Without my systematic, piece-by-piece, dismantling of the UN and NATO, who would now truly understand the power and importance of these institutions?
For those of you who doubt the possibility of free and democratic societies in the Middle East, I say, “Poo on you.” The nations of Islam have a chance now to prove that they are not the backward pits of ignorance and hate I have often portrayed. Programs are underway to counter their anti-American propaganda with pro-American propaganda like the Voice of America and Fox television’s The Simple Life. The protection they are providing for Michael Jackson is a small step towards a better life for their people.
Economy
My tax cuts have cured all our economic ailments, and are so far reaching as to have positive effects around the globe. The Indian economy grows in leaps and bounds as more and more high-level technical jobs are exported there from locations here at home. This export surplus allows our corporations to continue to pay dividends to you, the stockholders.
The productivity of the American worker is as high as Dick Cheney’s hairline (He, He, He. Dick - didn’t think I’d leave that zinger in did ya?) – of course, with the number of jobs decreasing, we must expect everyone to work harder to stay employed. In solidarity with the average American, I have cut my four-day weekends to a bare minimum.
The skills needed for the future American workforce can often be learned in schools, of which we, as Americans, have many in public. Thanks to the No Child Left Behind act, our public schools are learning in ways never before accounted for. And, as is implied in the name of the program, all of our American youth are now being properly prepared for the Rapture.
I would like now to return to the crux of my economic policies: tax cuts for the rich and well connected. As you know, in order to finagle these cuts through Congress I had to put expiration dates on them of 2010. That allowed me to portray them as far less devastating to future generations then they in fact are. In this election year, when I must appeal strongly to my exceedingly rich constituents and cronies, I ask, nay I demand, that this cuts be made permanent. You know they aren’t going to expire anyways – the rich people would have a cow – so I expect them to be made permanent so my political opponents can be fairly portrayed as the taxing taxers they truly are.
Health Care
By adding token prescription drug support, I have taken a huge plank out of the Democratic platform and smacked them in the face with it. And, thanks to the good work of Dr. H.M.O. Frist, I don’t even have to propose paying for it until after the election, since coverage doesn’t start until 2006. Dr. Frist also got a big gap in coverage to open right in the range most seniors fall in so we won’t be depriving the drug companies from their profits. This new coverage also prevents the States from negotiating prices with the drug companies – something we do through the Veteran’s Administration. But what’s good for the Feds can often bite States in the ass.
Oh, before I forget – Kids, stay off the drugs. Trust me on this one, okay? For once I know what I’m talking about.
Let me take a moment here to speak on something close to my heart; America’s many multi-millionaire athletes. It is a shame, all them drugs you’re doing. Especially you baseball players. When I was the owner of that Texas team – the uhm… Textros, none of my players did drugs. And if they did, I wish I knew about it. Then, not now – I’m clean and sober thanks to God and Laura and that weird therapy where they forced me to watch porn and graphic violence with my eyelids held open.
Same-sex Marriage
Activist judges are scourges on the rights of the nation. Activist judges declare themselves above the law, interpreting clear things through the haze of activism. As everyone who counts knows, the sanctity of marriage is as sanctimonious as it can get. What people want to do with their privates is one thing; when people want their privates recognized in public we’re talking about something else altogether.
It is time for us to recognize that our country was founded by religious wackos kicked out of Europe due to their extremist beliefs. As the heirs to their religious heirlooms, we should take all steps necessary to ensure that the only acceptable marital state is man and woman, excepting when they get divorced, which could be for any reason under the sun. Since, as Britney Spears said, “Marriage is not something I take lightly,” I anticipate and urge all of you to work toward codifying this in some kind of code.
If we fail in this, we will soon reach levels of depravity only dreamed of by Senator Santorum: man on dog.
Faith-based Initiatives
It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. For only through this unbridled compassion will we indoctrinate the next generation with our proper faith-based bigotry. Someone once said, at least I heard it once in Texas, “God is a concept…um, meaning… he didn’t sign up for the armed services but was drafted.” So, like God, we must, whether we want to or not, be willing to have faith that those imprisoned, their mentors, and their mentors’ children will repent, convert, tithe and proselytize. If we are unwilling to be concepted into this cause, the terrorists will have won.
Closing
In the past, Americans welcomed in strangers, forgave those who asked for forgiveness, and turned the other cheek, all as Jesus taught us to do. Since September 11th, all of this has changed. We have faced the challenges that many of you amongst them were unsure were ahead or behind, with a steely resolve and compassionate fortitude unbeknownst to all the others. We sense we live in a time outside of time, like in Clockers. And in this time, we have faced the challenge victoriously.
I’ve seen many things, both real and imagined, and pulled a few boners, like that “Mission Accomplished” bit on the aircraft carrier. Last month someone in Guam, which my people assured me was in someway a part of this fair nation, sent me a letter. I was told that in this letter, from an “ashy person”, aged 10, a question was asked. This question was not, as I was hoping, “What would Brian Boitano Do?” but was asking what this dry skinned American of Guamese descent could do to save our country.
My answer is this: study hard, go to church, do what your parents ask (unless, of course, they’re heathen democrats), and when you see a man in uniform, thank him for conquering your country at some point in the past. Because I know from school that Guam isn’t one of the consequential United States.
May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
(CNN has the transcript of the original, broken into these same sub-headings, available here.)
As I speak, the violent are getting justice, whether they are unjust or just, deserving or not, for they are undeniably violent; and by acting thusly we, as Americans, are a safer people throughout the world, thanks to our men and women in uniform.
Our borders are secure; secure with the knowledge we have gleaned about our own people through means legal and means yet unchallenged in the court of law. The good citizens and now recently legitimized illegal aliens have nothing to fear, excepting the fear engendered by my policies and practices and color-coded alerts. The nasty, evil, vile and despicable citizens and illegitimate illegal aliens shall also feel this aforementioned fear, as well as other abstract fears justified by their possible thoughts and actions.
It is this fear, suspicion and violence that clutches at America’s heart, stymieing her economic growth, limiting her ability to care for naught but her wealthy, causing untold hardship for her young and her elderly. The only way for us to rise above this calamitous situation is by doing all we can to enable the best of us, the captains of industry, to operate freely and unhindered. These shining lights of corporate responsibility will lead those of us most deserving through the haze and destitution to a bright future astride the world.
War on Terror
To many of you, there is a hope that in the two years after the tragedies of September 11th we have put the worst behind us. To those Americans, optimists one and all, I am here to tell you it is a false hope; a hope born from the belief that as your President I would find a way to stem the tide of terrorism, to counter the hatred and fear of Americans felt throughout the World; a hope that I would make you safe. This belief is like a false god that has led you all astray. It is not yet within my power to turn this tide – only if you allow me to continue the work I’ve started with the Patriot Act, with wrongful imprisonment and “enemy combatant” categorization of American citizens, with willful disregard of international laws and institutions – only then will my government begin to take the first meager steps towards confronting and quelling the rising terrorist waters that threaten to drown us all.
In Afghanistan, some people were caught, some niggling progress has been made; but really, other issues arose and I’ve lost interest in these poor and uncooperative people who can’t offer my friends and I anything of consequence. Please pay no attention to the fact that I have yet to fulfill the one promise I made to the American people that would make a difference: I have yet to get Osama bin Laden, dead or alive.
Iraq
In an unrelated action - one which only last year I incorrectly and incoherently connected to the ongoing War on Terror we are intermittently waging - we are finding in Iraq not weapons of mass destruction, as I led you all to believe, but a political nightmare of guerrilla insurgency coupled with mewling cries for “Democracy”. The ingratitude of these people, liberated from a tyranny long supported by the West, I find personally repellent. One man whose word was law once ruled them; no one, and no law now rule them. This newfound freedom is scorned by those who would have us leave them to their own devices. To these people I say only this: America will not be told what to do by a small band of thugs, killers and hypocrites who ignore the rules of law and who would dare to operate outside their boundaries, hoping and conniving to seize power for themselves.
The success of operations in Iraq has changed the face of the world. No longer do international scofflaws flaunt their deviant and illicit behavior like painted queens and nancy boys, or strut like leather-clad lotharios, bragging of missiles and powerful “biological agents”. No, those days are past. Former bad boys like Moammar Gadhafi are changing their ways and being straight with the international community. We hope that this same, firm, hand will help loosen things up and enable us to penetrate the uranium programs of the North Koreans. The crisis there will only end when Kim Jong Il stops rebuffing our advances and acquiesces with full, naked, capitulation. When we are finished, there will be a large opening in North Korea.
Some of you, for some strange reason, do not agree with my so-called War on Terror. Some do not believe in my faith-based intelligence programs, or my firm belief that God removed all weapons of mass destruction from Iraq in order to ease our victory. Some of you question my decision to ignore international law in my personal jihad against the man I now call my bitch, Saddam Hussein. I answer you thusly: you can never know the strength of something until it is torn down and utterly destroyed. Without my systematic, piece-by-piece, dismantling of the UN and NATO, who would now truly understand the power and importance of these institutions?
For those of you who doubt the possibility of free and democratic societies in the Middle East, I say, “Poo on you.” The nations of Islam have a chance now to prove that they are not the backward pits of ignorance and hate I have often portrayed. Programs are underway to counter their anti-American propaganda with pro-American propaganda like the Voice of America and Fox television’s The Simple Life. The protection they are providing for Michael Jackson is a small step towards a better life for their people.
Economy
My tax cuts have cured all our economic ailments, and are so far reaching as to have positive effects around the globe. The Indian economy grows in leaps and bounds as more and more high-level technical jobs are exported there from locations here at home. This export surplus allows our corporations to continue to pay dividends to you, the stockholders.
The productivity of the American worker is as high as Dick Cheney’s hairline (He, He, He. Dick - didn’t think I’d leave that zinger in did ya?) – of course, with the number of jobs decreasing, we must expect everyone to work harder to stay employed. In solidarity with the average American, I have cut my four-day weekends to a bare minimum.
The skills needed for the future American workforce can often be learned in schools, of which we, as Americans, have many in public. Thanks to the No Child Left Behind act, our public schools are learning in ways never before accounted for. And, as is implied in the name of the program, all of our American youth are now being properly prepared for the Rapture.
I would like now to return to the crux of my economic policies: tax cuts for the rich and well connected. As you know, in order to finagle these cuts through Congress I had to put expiration dates on them of 2010. That allowed me to portray them as far less devastating to future generations then they in fact are. In this election year, when I must appeal strongly to my exceedingly rich constituents and cronies, I ask, nay I demand, that this cuts be made permanent. You know they aren’t going to expire anyways – the rich people would have a cow – so I expect them to be made permanent so my political opponents can be fairly portrayed as the taxing taxers they truly are.
Health Care
By adding token prescription drug support, I have taken a huge plank out of the Democratic platform and smacked them in the face with it. And, thanks to the good work of Dr. H.M.O. Frist, I don’t even have to propose paying for it until after the election, since coverage doesn’t start until 2006. Dr. Frist also got a big gap in coverage to open right in the range most seniors fall in so we won’t be depriving the drug companies from their profits. This new coverage also prevents the States from negotiating prices with the drug companies – something we do through the Veteran’s Administration. But what’s good for the Feds can often bite States in the ass.
Oh, before I forget – Kids, stay off the drugs. Trust me on this one, okay? For once I know what I’m talking about.
Let me take a moment here to speak on something close to my heart; America’s many multi-millionaire athletes. It is a shame, all them drugs you’re doing. Especially you baseball players. When I was the owner of that Texas team – the uhm… Textros, none of my players did drugs. And if they did, I wish I knew about it. Then, not now – I’m clean and sober thanks to God and Laura and that weird therapy where they forced me to watch porn and graphic violence with my eyelids held open.
Same-sex Marriage
Activist judges are scourges on the rights of the nation. Activist judges declare themselves above the law, interpreting clear things through the haze of activism. As everyone who counts knows, the sanctity of marriage is as sanctimonious as it can get. What people want to do with their privates is one thing; when people want their privates recognized in public we’re talking about something else altogether.
It is time for us to recognize that our country was founded by religious wackos kicked out of Europe due to their extremist beliefs. As the heirs to their religious heirlooms, we should take all steps necessary to ensure that the only acceptable marital state is man and woman, excepting when they get divorced, which could be for any reason under the sun. Since, as Britney Spears said, “Marriage is not something I take lightly,” I anticipate and urge all of you to work toward codifying this in some kind of code.
If we fail in this, we will soon reach levels of depravity only dreamed of by Senator Santorum: man on dog.
Faith-based Initiatives
It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. For only through this unbridled compassion will we indoctrinate the next generation with our proper faith-based bigotry. Someone once said, at least I heard it once in Texas, “God is a concept…um, meaning… he didn’t sign up for the armed services but was drafted.” So, like God, we must, whether we want to or not, be willing to have faith that those imprisoned, their mentors, and their mentors’ children will repent, convert, tithe and proselytize. If we are unwilling to be concepted into this cause, the terrorists will have won.
Closing
In the past, Americans welcomed in strangers, forgave those who asked for forgiveness, and turned the other cheek, all as Jesus taught us to do. Since September 11th, all of this has changed. We have faced the challenges that many of you amongst them were unsure were ahead or behind, with a steely resolve and compassionate fortitude unbeknownst to all the others. We sense we live in a time outside of time, like in Clockers. And in this time, we have faced the challenge victoriously.
I’ve seen many things, both real and imagined, and pulled a few boners, like that “Mission Accomplished” bit on the aircraft carrier. Last month someone in Guam, which my people assured me was in someway a part of this fair nation, sent me a letter. I was told that in this letter, from an “ashy person”, aged 10, a question was asked. This question was not, as I was hoping, “What would Brian Boitano Do?” but was asking what this dry skinned American of Guamese descent could do to save our country.
My answer is this: study hard, go to church, do what your parents ask (unless, of course, they’re heathen democrats), and when you see a man in uniform, thank him for conquering your country at some point in the past. Because I know from school that Guam isn’t one of the consequential United States.
May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
(CNN has the transcript of the original, broken into these same sub-headings, available here.)
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