Pretender to the Crown

I am so glad Frodo left Bilbo's book behind when he went off on that boat with the elves. Elves! Why, Samwise Gamgee, who would ever think you would be so casual with dropping elves all over the place, willy nilly? Why, not your pa, Ol' Gaffer, that's for sure. Yes, I sure am glad I got this here book - There and Back Again & The Lord of the Rings. Frodo said, he said to me, "Sam, I was able to finish my tale. But there is still space in the book; space for you to tell the further tales of the Hobbits." Well, I'm no storyteller like Master Frodo, but maybe with the help of Merry and Pippen I'll be able to carry on. But first, I really ought to see what good old Frodo wrote about us.

Well, I'll be! This just won't do. I better get Merry and Pippen to have a look...

After a couple of pints at the Green Dragon Inn, we all decided Master Frodo took all the high drama and amazing feats of Hobbit derring-do out of his Lord of the Rings. "That just won't do," I said to Pippen, "Why, he forgot the part where I said, I said to him, 'Master Frodo,' I said, 'I may not be able to carry that there ring for you, but, pardon my language, but darn it all, I can sure as sure can carry you!' I said to him."

And Pippen, well, Pippen slammed his mug right down on the table and he said to me, he said, "You're right there Sam, right as rain," he said, continuing, "Why, he wasn't even in Gondor when I, with just my rubbery toes, climbed up the outside of the highest cliff/tower in the city and lit the beacon fire! We have to add that part in - him saying that the fires were lit before I even got there - why, to even think that any of them tall folk could do anything without us Hobbits!"

Merry then jumped up, crying out that Master Frodo had done him wrong. "I knew all along that the rider I was with from Dunharrow to Gondor was Eowyn," he said to me, "I could tell because of her, you know, scent..." I had to nod, knowing it was probably true. Why, Meriadoc Brandybuck is known all throughout the Shire for having a nose for a piece of tail.

Merry also said that as he was the one of us who was right in the thick of things out on the Pelennor Fields he should get to "add some color." "Frodo didn't talk about the cool stuff - like when Legolas cut the strap on that oliphaunt tower, and used it to go right to the top!" he said, with a crazed cross-eyed grin, "It was just like one of those stories ol' Georgie Lucas tells out at the Ranch. Though maybe we should leave out the part where good old Wedge - that's what the guys at Edoras all call Eomer - riding his horse, wrapped up that mumakil's legs with a rope and tripped him up."

I told the Fellows' - that being the short name Merry and Pip and I, Samwise Gamgee, use for Fellowship, you know - I told them I would take all their ideas and put 'em all in Frodo's book. And, I have to say, after making those changes, after putting in some of "the old whiz-bang" (as Gandalf, bless his heart, was fond of saying of his fireworks), it's almost a spectacle! Though, I got to say, as my Ol' Gaffer wouldn't have it any other way, that I did take a little liberty when it came to the elves. All elves, all the time! I'm just a sucker for elves. And Lady Arwen - Aragorn's old lady, nowadays - well, I always did wish she had played a part in our story. So I made up something about her being tied to the fate of the ring, yadda-yadda, and there it is.

Why Samwise Gamgee, you've done a good thing, even if you have to say so yourself. I can just see it - in the future, millions of people will think this is the true story of the Ring, and none will be the wiser.

Erik's Lists: The Best Albums of 2003

It's that time of year. Largehearted Boy has his list up, with video and MP3 links to boot. Apparently, Spin magazine also has published their list. So what am I waiting for? Am I likely to buy all the best albums of the year in the next three weeks? I've taken a gander at what is waiting in the wings and I don't see a great mythical monster on the horizon. So, with all together too much ado, here are my favorites of the year.

6. Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Belle & Sebastian.

After the cataclysmic failure of the Storytelling soundtrack, coupled with the mediocre at best Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant, I had all but written off Belle & Sebastian. But something about this intrigued me; the departure of the amazingly bad Isobel Campbell, coupled with Trevor Horn's production and the return of Stuart Murdoch to the position of primary songwriter seemed worth a listen. At first I was puzzled with the new sound - on top of the expected sixties chamber pop sound (the word "twee" has always been an apt descriptor) are layers of seventies jangly guitars and lush strings, even a touch of - can it be? - new wave Britishisms not unlike XTC or The Squeeze - album closer "Stay Loose" flirts heavily with "Cool For Cats"/"Up The Junction" guitar and vocal sounds. Even Thin Lizzy gets a nod both lyrically and with the dual electric guitars on the infectious "I'm a Cuckoo." And the more I listen, the better this album gets. It's definitely a step forward; the first real progression since If Your Feeling Sinister. It's the Belle & Sebastian album for people who don't wear cardigans and courderoy pants.

5. Tiny Voices - Joe Henry.

I covered this one pretty well already, but suffice to say it won't loosen its grip. Better experienced as an entire piece, rather than individual tracks, though the title track, "Leaning" and "Your Side of My World" are all highpoints. I missed a chance to see him in Portland last month; I just couldn't bring myself to pay to see him open for Ani DiFranco. Must... not... support... Ani DiFranco; for she is the female Robert Pollard, and desperately needs to learn to weed the good from the very, very, bad.

4. Deliverance - Bubba Sparxxx.

In a year when the Crunky South rose again in force with some seriously good albums (Ludacris' Chicken and Beer and the Outkast bomb Speakerboxxx/The Love Below come to mind), Bubba sits in heaviest rotation in my household. It must be noted that the production, from both Timbaland and the Organized Noize crew, is better than anything else I've heard this year. Original, contagious, and tight, with loops and samples that add to Bubba's rhymes. "Comin' Round", featuring a chorus from the Yonder Mountain String Band, is an early highlight, a fiddle and blooping synth masterpiece. But Bubba doesn't rest on his laurels like he did on Dark Days, Bright Nights - here he follows up with "Warrant" and "Deliverance", and punches it home hard with "Like It Or Not" and album closer "Back In The Mud." It must also be noted that there is only one skit. One. Plus an album intro. So refreshing in this day of filler and padding. Fifteen tracks, thirteen actual songs.

3. Sumday - Grandaddy.

I can't help but hear this in relation to the Flaming Lips last album, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Digression: Isn't Yoshimi just a remix of The Soft Bulletin? Except actually less original than a remix would have been? Just a thought). Treading similar grounds of technology v. humanity; sentimentality amidst disillusionment; falsetto vocals from grown men; Grandaddy grips me with their postcard vignettes and melodic banality. Cutting the BS from that load I just penned, Jason Lytle and company have, with Sumday, done a wonderful job of capturing the quintessentially American malaise of having too much, yet amounting to nothing; the ennui of an age of electronic efficiency and the growing obsolescence of the human being. Wow, did I not cut the BS at all. How about Galaxie 500 jamming with Gram Parsons, or the Flaming Lips covering Lambchop's Nixon without a lyric sheet? Regardless, I like it and listen often.

2. Give Up - Postal Service.

Forgiving the geek weakness of the premise (they mailed the tracks back and forth, adding lyrics to music, thus the band name), the Postal Service's first (and hopefully not last) album is just a wonderful piece of pop electronica that expands upon the band member's collaboration on Dntel's "This Is The Dream of Evan and Chan". After the first time I heard "Clark Gable", I knew that I must own this album. From the opening organ-like notes and computer claps of "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight", through the lush synthesized tones and manic percussion of "The Natural Album", Give Up rarely falters. Were the lyrics as consistently sharp as on "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" (You seem so out of context/ In this gaudy apartment complex/ A stranger with your door key/ Explaining that I am just visiting/ And I am finally seeing/ Why I was the one worth leaving) without the quality drops of all of "Sleeping In" or the cringeworthy opening of "Such Great Heights" (I am thinking it's a sign/ That the freckles in our eyes/ Are mirror images and when we kiss/ They're perfectly aligned) it would have been a harder choice for my album of the year. But the inconsistencies leave them a bit behind the frontrunner, despite a valiant effort.

1. Neon Golden - Notwist.

Though released overseas in early 2002, it was not widely available here until February of this year. Last year I heard the haunting banjo & electronica track "Thrashing Days" on an Uncut magazine cd sampler, and waited patiently for the albums' US release (having never even heard of them before, I couldn't justify import prices). But "Thrashing Days", as unique as it is, did not prepare for the way the band works its hybrid sound. In my mind it is the most organic and soulful use of an electronic compositional base I've ever heard. The fuzz tones, gleeps, beeps and synthetic strings serve as a counter texture to the solid bass, guitar, drumming and percussion. No element dominates; even Markus Acher's vocals are subsumed in the mix, broken and reworked as another piece of the puzzle. From song to song they explore different techniques and soundscapes, but rarely do they seem to sound like anyone but themselves ("Pilot" does have an updated New Order vibe, particularly the percussion and drum tones). I never expected to hear a band sample a Michael Nyman score to a Peter Greenaway film ("Solitaire" samples and loops a string progression from Drowning By Numbers), or to like a song whose entire lyrics consist of the phrase "neon golden like all the lights. neon golden. don't leave me here for I glow. neon golden." And yet, I find it hypnotic and engaging, an original and powerful piece of art.

Special Award for Best Collection Do You Know The Difference Between Big Wood And Brush: The American Song-Poem Anthology - Various Artists.

The idea of making these vanity recordings (these are all recordings of songs that "ordinary" people would pay companies to record and press onto vinyl. A vanity press for songwriters, costing anywhere from $60 - $500 or so. For more information, the liner notes are online) more widely available is both wonderful and perverse. Either you love it or you don't. Either the premise works for you, or it is the most horrifying thing to ever be played in your hearing. For me it is liquid crack, an addiction I don't know how to break (I went so far as to spend a recent Saturday morning downloading each and every MP3 from the American Song-Poem Music Archives website. Until you've heard all three versions of "Midwifery" you really can't make any comments as to quality). Now, in addition to this collection of the "best-of" these recordings, there is a Christmas album Daddy, Is Santa Really Six Foot Four?". In case you were wondering, "Jimmy Carter Says Yes" is the best political song of my lifetime.


A note about this list. There are a few albums that I have heard in part or in full, but have not purchased that I want to mention. I believe, based on my first impressions, that they would have been in the running if I had gotten off my ass and picked them up. They are, in no particular order; Transfiguration of Vincent - M. Ward, Decoration Day - Drive-By Truckers, Charm School - Bishop Allen, Boy In Da Corner - Dizzee Rascal. The Dizzee Rascal I am sure to pick up upon its US release next month, so it may make next year's list. The M. Ward and Drive-By Truckers are on my list to get, but they have yet to make it into my grubby little hands. Lastly, the Bishop Allen I had never even heard of until David put them on his Largehearted list. The MP3s on his site made me realize that I must get Charm School, and fast.